According to Jim

Jim and Cheryl are the perfect middle class American couple. Happily married, living in a suburban house with two adorable (but loud) little girls and a baby boy, they really cant complain much about life – except for those couple fights that neither one can ever let go, like the time Jim shut the car door on Cheryl. This time the problem is their daughter, whom Cheryl cant leave alone on her first week at kindergarten. Jim says its because shes a woman and decides to take Ruby himself, but he also cant leave her behind. Things heat up when Cheryl discovers that not only has he been hiding it from her, but he also changed Rubys school without talking to her. Meanwhile, Jim and Cheryl try to help Andy make up with his girlfriend.

Cheryls 15 year-old cat Mr. Feeney dies and she wants Jim to bury it on the backyard, but Jim desperately wants to go to the Bears game. He sticks the cat in the garage freezer, planning on burying it after the game, but Cheryl finds out before he comes home. She is hurt that Jim doesnt listen to her nor care about a cat that has been longer with her than anything in her current life. Jim, feeling guilty, provides a proper funeral for Mr. Feeney and gets her a brand new dog, which she doesnt like very much at first, but starts to accept it later.

Its Halloween, and Cheryl has forbidden Gracie to go trick-or-treating. However, not wanting his daughter to miss out on the fun of the halloween spirit, he sneaks her out anyway. Meanwhile, Andy becomes convinced that hes being stalked by an ex-girlfriend.

When Andy decides Dana is responsible for his inferiority complex, he asks her to join him in his therapy - but she falls for his therapist. Jim and Cheryl disagree about letting the kids to have their own TV; Jim admits to riding his motorcycle, breaking a promise hed made to Cheryl earlier; and Ruby innocently divulges a secret of Cheryls, exposing a broken promise of hers to Jim.

Andy has a new girlfriend, and Cheryl wants Jim to treat her nicely because not only is she Andys first girlfriend sine Carrie, but also Rubys piano teacher. During dinner, Alicia tells Jim shes a vegetarian, and not only that, but also a Peckers fan – a big insult to Jim. Alicia and Andy break up and get back together, but she keeps turning down invitations to have dinner at Jim and Cheryls. The reason? She doesnt like being around Cheryl. Jim rubs it on her face until Cheryl confronts Alicia, who reveals its only because she thinks Cheryls too perfect.

Cheryl leaves Jim in charge of their kids and some other kids who were there to play with the girls during a Bears game. The next day, one of the kids mom calls Cheryl saying her daughter dame home repeating a swearing she heard from Jim. Cheryl apologizes for him and Jim is insulted that she always automatically takes the other persons side. Cheryl apologizes, and not too later Grace repeats the exact same word. Jim decides to teach her not to repeat it by making her say it non stop until she cant say it again. It works. 5 days later, at Rubys ballet presentation, she slips, falls and says the word, unmasking Jims guilt.

Cheryl decides to go behind Jims back and loan Andy $1,000 for a downpayment on a new condo.

When Cheryl reminds Jim that she beat him at racquetball years ago, he claims he was only letting her win to gain her affections, so Cheryl challenges him to a no-holds-barred re-match.

While out for dinner and a movie, Jim loses a parking spot, and later loses Cheryl when he cant let go of it.

When the new DVD player breaks, Jim must find the receipt in order to exchange it. He cant find it anywhere and blames Cheryl of losing it. She says he was the one who lost it, and in order to "win" the fight, Jim buys another DVD player and tells Cheryl he exchanged the broken one. Later, Dana shows up with the receipt, in which Cheryl wrote her a recipe, and Cheryl - after realizing it was her fault after all - burns it. They get into a fight but soon decide to drop the point scoring and just be happy again.

Jim agrees to take the girls for the day while Cheryl and Dana go to a doctors appointment. At the park, Jim leaves the girls with another mom and goes to the movies... where hes busted by Cheryl. Things go from bad to worse when he tries to retrieve the kids and cant remember who he left them with.

Cheryl and Jim clash when he breaks a promise to save a digital photo she values.

Jim and Cheryl meet the new neighbors and find out that they can hear their conversation through the baby monitor. When the neighbors find out, Jim tries to come up with a story to smooth things over.

Jim is upset when Cheryls stuff takes over the entire house, leaving him with no private place of his own.

When Dana is picked to be a bachelorette on the reality series The Bachelor, Jim gives her a little advice on how not to be herself.

When Jim and Cheryl are caught fooling around after hours on the set of their kids Thanksgiving play, Jim tries to find a way to reinstate Cheryl in the good graces with the PTA.

Country singer Brad Paisley guest stars as Danas new boyfriend, an amazing musician who can get Jim the gig of his dreams — once Andy is out of the way.

Cheryl and Jim try to play matchmaker to a cop and his female partner, and Jim and Cheryls memory of how they met doesnt mesh with the recollections Andy and Dana have, on a special one-hour episode.

Cheryl isnt very supportive of Jims latest invention, a flatulent doll named "Gassy Gus."

When Jim and Cheryl run into his old girlfriend, Jim worries that Cheryl may find out the truth about his past when she invites the woman to dinner.

A childhood buddy of Jims who "has it all" hires Jim to design his expensive new home. A resentful Jim doesnt want to take the job at first, until he learns the guy wants something that "belongs" to Jim — Cheryl.

Jim is torn between holding a nervous Cheryls hand through her two-hour dental surgery or meeting his hero — blues legend Bo Diddley.

Jim refuses to spend money for a new dryer for Cheryl, but he secretly spends money for pricey sports memorabilia online, which Cheryl discovers when she simultaneously bids against Jim for a Chicago Bears helmet for his birthday.

Dana pretends to be Rubys mother to gain the interest of a single dad she met in the park.

On a family trip to Vegas, Cheryl secretly plans a reunion with Jim and his estranged sister, Roxanne, on the special, one-hour season finale.

When Jim finds out that Cheryl has been paying 7 dollars to have the groceries delivered to their house, he insists that he does the shopping himself in order to save that incredible amount of money. Once at the supermarket, he sees how married men are "domesticated" by their wives and decides to rebel against Cheryl by shopping everything but the items on the list. Cheryl decides to turn the table on Jim and he does the same, until they end up going to a formal party on robes and underwear with their bodies all painted with lipstick. Cheryl finally gives in and they settle on paying the delivery boy the seven dollars in order to spare the Spice Channel subscription.

Jim wrestles with his conscience after he cheats at a church fundraiser bingo game.

Jim and Cheryl encourage the girls to make a lemonade stand and raise money for their scooters. What was supposed to be a lesson about the value of the dollar turns into a racy competition among neighbors when Bill and his next door neighbor Driscoll set up little amusement parks in their years. Dana and Andy pitch in, while Cheryl tries to stay out of it – until she gets into a catfight with the neighbors wife. Once the police is called in, Jim realizes hes lost the purpose of the lemonade stand and decides to give the girls the rest of the money for the scooters.

Its Halloween and Cheryl is trying to host "the" party so she can own Halloween in the neighborhood. Dana brings in her newest date, Hank, who carries an awful lot of similarities to Jim. While refusing to admit shes dating Jim, Dana realizes the truth when she accidentally pinches Jims butt thinking it was Hank. The next day she and Cheryl have a fight over the whole situation, which leaves it up to Jim and Andy to fix the friendship between the two sisters.

Jim creates an imaginary friend to avoid going to a couples baby shower with Cheryl.

Cheryl starts to feel taken for granted as she prepares Thanksgiving dinner. She suffers the ultimate insult when she gets stuck on the roof after retrieving her tablecloth that Jim had fashioned into a ghost for Halloween, and no one notices her absence until she unhooks the satellite. To apologize, Jim tells her that he, Dana and Andy will prepare the dinner. Jim never thinks that Cheryl, being the control freak that she is, would allow that to happen, so he doesnt make dinner. Unfortunately, neither does Cheryl.

Dana admits to Cheryl that she cant afford to buy Jim a Christmas present, so Cheryl lets Dana put her name on one of the presents she bought for him. Dana innocently picks out Cheryls big present to Jim, but when Jim is thrilled with the gift, Dana is ready to take all the credit for it.

Dana and Jim both covet their reverend - she for romance, he for the pastors prowess at bowling.

Cheryl tries to impress her boastful cousin Mindy by posing as the lead singer of Jims band – even though she has a terrible voice. Jim agrees to perform at Mindys engagement party with Cheryl playing the part in order to teach his wife a lesson about embellishment by making a fool of herself. However, when Mindy tells Jim that her fiancé, Eric, is a record producer, he must decide between telling Cheryl the truth and making a bad impression on Eric.

Jim takes umbrage at being replaced as the father in a promotional shoot for a cruise line.

Jims sister, Roxanne, shows up on his doorstep, pregnant, and lets Andy believe hes the father.

Cheryl ask Jim to use his truck to transport a giant paper-mâché grizzly bear the girls made for "spirit week" to their school – except Jim just lost his truck in an arm wrestling match and, in a gesture of macho pride, refuses to ask for it back.

Pack rat Cheryl asks Jim to rent a storage unit to house seven years worth of the kids art projects, but Jim refuses to pay the fee, so he tosses everything out, thinking Cheryl wont notice – until she needs some of the projects for a special retirement party for Rubys art teacher.

Jim develops a friendship with Danas new boyfriend, despite the fact that the guy dumped Cheryl years ago.

Jim chickens out of having a vasectomy, but Cheryl is so effusive in her praise that hes unable to admit he didnt go through with it

Cheryl surprises Jim with a romantic evening, but it cuts into his planned TV boxing match.

Cheryl and Dana are forced to smash their way out of a locked garage, because they ignored Jims lesson on how to open the door from the inside.

Ruby hurts Jims feelings when she invites Andy to a father-daughter dance instead of him.

To prove his worth as a man, Jim -- along with Andy -- hunt a turkey for Thanksgiving, but on the hunt Jim is pursued -- and shot -- by a legendary 40- lb. psychotic bird christened "Angry Pete." Thanksgiving-themed episode.

Jim tangles with a department store Santa after the two are involved in a parking lot fender bender. Unfortunately, Jims kids witness the skirmish and are fearful Santa wont leave them any gifts for Christmas.

Jim buys a nanny-cam to spy on the sitter he didnt want Cheryl to hire but learns something about Cheryl instead, prompting her to buy a camera of her own.

Cheryl claims to like men who arent afraid to cry, but when Jim bursts into tears after a movie, she is surprised to find herself turned off by his sensitivity.

When Cheryl offers Dana the use of her wedding gown, Jim and Andy try to cover up the fact that the dress was destroyed in a fiery sports celebration years ago.

When Andy decides to learn how to dance for his sisters wedding, he turns to Jim, a closet dancer, for help.

Jims pride in Gracies new-found spelling-bee aptitude quickly turns to dismay when he has to drive her to tournaments all over the state.

Jim and Cheryl adjust the clocks to get the kids to bed earlier so they can have more quality time together.

When Cheryls prim and proper bachelorette party disappoints Dana, Jim and Andy treat Dana to a rowdy night shell never forget - but now will she make it to the wedding?

Jim actually remembers his and Cheryls anniversary - but Cheryl didnt! Improvising, she gives him the photo album that covers years worth of memories. They start reminiscing.

The fifth season premieres with Jim sneaking off to a Cubs game with Kyle instead of taking him to his first day of kindergarten.

Jim worries that Cheryls romantic expectations will increase when his new brother-in-law, Ryan, showers Dana with flowers and gifts. But then Jim learns that a special blues tape Cheryl supposedly made for him when they were dating, and that made him fall in love with her, was actually made for her by an old boyfriend.

Out-of-shape Jim enters a 10K marathon to teach Kyle, who wants to quit basketball, a lesson about not being a quitter -- but he cheats to get first to the finish line.

Jim helps Andy pick up a beautiful woman in a bar, but she turns out to be crazy -- and eventually leaves Andy and stalks Jim instead.

Jim tries to blackmail Dana when he finds out she’s having erotic dreams about him.

When Cheryl and Danas mother, Maggie, visits for the holidays, Jim and Cheryl compete with Ryan and Dana for her affection

Ruby and Gracie want to get their ears pierced but Cheryl believes that this will lead to the girls growing up too quickly and convinces Jim. Jim and Cheryl renew their wedding vows and Jim walks down the aisle with an earring.

Cheryl and Jim get into a disagreement about Erik Estrada, and Jim tries to prove that the incident that occurred ten years ago was not wrong.

Jim gets mad when he finds out that his neighbor Julie has been writing children books and basing them about him.

Jim believes that Bill, the father of one of Rubys and Gracies classmates is actually his real father that abandoned Jim when he was a child.

When Andy stars playing chess with Ryan on a regular basis, Jim is convinced that he is losing his best friend.

Jim realizes that Cheryl has been spoiling their son Kyle for way too long, so he decides to make him a man by teaching him how to throw a perfect punch in self defense. However, things get out of control when little Kyle gets suspended for repeatedly hitting the school bully.

When the family pet guinea pig swallows an eraser, Jim is forced to pay for an expensive operation.

When Cheryls beloved Uncle Donald dies, Jim takes over housekeeping, but soon starts to suspect that Cheryl is using him.

Andy, Ryan and Jim are stunned when they find out that Dana and Cheryl recently appeared in a Chicks Gone Wild video.

When Cheryl and Dana allow Jim and Ryan to take care of the kids and baby Tanner while they are out, things get out of control. Jim takes everyone to the museum and everything goes great until the Tyrannosaurus Rex display ends up destroyed.

After an argument with a claims representative about his bill, Jims health insurance is canceled, and Jim decides to hide the truth from Cheryl, until she ends up sick and he gets her cold.

Jims bad softball game advice to Kyle turns to be Jims worst nightmare when an Ghost of Andy visits him to show him the Adult Kyles life as a loser.

Andy and Jim end up in a war after Andy tries to sell him a grill that Jim gave him a few years ago.

In order to avoid attending another musical with Cheryl, Jim finds a gay man to accompany her.

Crazed about the fact that Cheryl joined a dinner party club, Jim insults the very creator of women, God, who then gives Jim the power to try to do a better job, but Jim ends up making women behave like Jim would. Also, when Andy tries to make guys more like women, he turns himself and Jim into oversensitive girly guys.

When Cheryl takes a greater interest in general safety and health, Jim feels stifled by her new rules and regulations. Just after Cheryl forces Jim to wear an I.D. badge during his morning jog, Jim is head-butted by a bull on a side road. While Cheryl learns that one cant anticipate every danger out there, Jim realizes that hes willing to do whatever it takes to make his family feel secure.

While Cheryl is out of town to take care of her mother, Jim has to take care of their kids, and he receives sympathy from a neighborhood mom. Soon, other moms start helping Jim, and he tells each one that shes the only help in the house.

When Ruby and Gracie cant seem to stop fighting, Jim is "forced" to read their diaries to determine the cause, only to realize that he needs to give out delicate motherly advice to them, while Cheryl is still away.

Without consulting with Cheryl, Jim transforms the garage into a cigar lounge and donates the kids old clothes and furniture to charity. When Cheryl informs Jim that she is pregnant with twins, he is forced to retrieve all the stuff that he gave away, and has to deal with the fact that he is going to be a father of five.

Jim finds a way to use Cheryls forgetfulness (a.k.a. "the pregnancy brain") to his advantage by trying to convince her that it was her idea to turn the basement into a media room instead of a room for Ruby and Gracie.

Jim makes a rule he believes to be the perfect cure for childrens fights, but when he enters a discussion with Andy, the both end up on the same "tribunal system," fighting to prove whos right.

Dana puts Andy under hypnosis to learn why all of his relationships dont last longer than six weeks. Upon learning that its due to Andys low self-esteem, Dana decides to boost up Andys confidence, but she ends up making things worse when Andy starts flirting with other women while on a date with Emily.

Jim anxiously awaits for the moment when Cheryl is off bedrest so shed take over all the chores, but Dana urges him to let Cheryl rest until she goes into labor. After meeting Cheryls gynecologist, Jim learns that Cheryl was already allowed to be more active, but she didnt tell him.

Jim guilts the older kids into doing household chores after Jonathans special blanket goes missing.

Jim and his band win a chance to play for a child pop sensation Jami McFame, but when the star gives them an attitude, Jim decides to set her straight.

When Cheryl learns of Jims plan to use their twins in a movie starring Steve Guttenberg to get some money for Christmas gifts, she refuses to let him do it, but Andy and Jim decide to go through with the plan anyway, only to have it backfire when the producers cut the kids hair to make them look alike.

Jim is convinced that an old flame wants to get back with him until he realizes that she wants to hook up with Andy, leaving Jim with a bruised ego.

Jim prepares Kyle for his first "date" with Rubys slightly older piano teacher, Mandy, whom Andy has fallen for and is secretly dating behind Kyles back.

Cheryl and her friends, eager to get an afternoon away from the kids, arrange a "Daddy and Me" group for Jim and other dads with young kids at their home. Jim makes the best of a potentially boring situation by turning babysitting into a sporting event--staging baby races where the dads bet on their kids and drink beer.

Jim attempts to look cool in the eyes of Ruby and her friends, until he realizes that he may be undermining Cheryls authority due to his behavior.

Jim uses his passion for sports to connect with son Kyle. But sports-challenged Kyle identifies more with fellow sci-fi nerd Andy, forcing a reluctant Jim to dress up as a Cyclops at a sci-fi convention in order to win his son back.

Its Cheryls birthday and Jim decides to buy her a diamond necklace. But in an attempt to save money, he buys the necklace from Andys unreliable source and soon learns that it was taken off of a dead woman whose ghost now begins to haunt him.